Working with Emotional Pain
In Thich Nhat Hanh’s meditation village of Plum Village, there is a bell that randomly sounds throughout the day. Each time it rings, people stop what they are doing and take a minute to become mindful. If they are in the middle of a sentence or a bite of food, they stop and become intensely present.
When we are in the middle of a painful experience, waves of intensity may come to the surface even after we have dealt with the stronger material before. We can take these little “shockwaves” not as something to be fearful of, but as an invitation to bring ourselves back to a place of mindful, loving attention. In fact, this is the body’s signal that it needs tending. If we continue to dismiss or avoid it, chances are it will only get louder.
Consider the perspective of many holistic healing practitioners — the body wants to heal; it is wired for wellness. The body is drawn toward balance and equanimity. But it is constantly getting pulled out of balance by stress, diet, and other factors.
Our energy body is a kind of electrical system, similar to the nervous system, that holds and remembers everything that has ever happened to us. Every hurt and happiness is stored in this energetic field. They create a fabric of belief, understanding, impulse, and reaction. If we experience a painful situation without taking the time to heal it, it is stored in the body. Sometimes it can attract more of the same type of situation, even unknowingly.
Say, for example, there is a caregiver in your childhood who was constantly criticizing you. You develop an entire strategy for working with that, which is a very healthy response. However, if unexamined, this strategy — developed by your younger self — is running the show in your adult life. You may have learned to become withdrawn or self-berating as a coping style. But as an adult, it is no longer necessary.
It takes tremendous courage to trust ourselves enough to turn toward this pain. If the pain feels too strong, we can wait until we are in a place that feels grounded and safe, and open the door just a bit — meeting whatever hurt is there for even a moment, then closing the door again. As we slowly unpack this pain, we become increasingly familiar with it, and over time it begins to lose its power over us.
When a thought or contraction of the heart arises, we are habituated to either ignore it completely — numbing out or engaging in some form of distraction. Sometimes this is skillful, as we may find ourselves in a place where we are unable to safely attend to our pain. At the same time, these painful up-swellings often come when we are alone, in the gaps between our busy lives. Instead of distracting ourselves, we can turn our attention gently toward hearing the tenderness of our being.
When we turn toward our pain, we must also examine some thoughts that may be attached to it. Notice if there are any subtle undercurrents of belief that are tinged with “I’ll never…” or “I’ll always…”. These are powerful, subtle thoughts that not only keep us from meeting our pain, but also prevent us from healing it. There could even be a deeper belief that if it is always going to be this bad, this painful, we would rather focus our lives on something else.
It takes time to heal and transform our heartache; this is not a rush job. The bigger the hurt, the more time it takes. In some cases, the pain may remain as a tender spot — which can actually become a vessel for increased compassion for others. Over time, as we work with our pain and discomfort enough, it will soften its power over us.
And if you are incarcerated person, no place may feel safe. There is an ancient practice of imagining an enormous tent of protection around oneself. You can imagine it being made out of whatever brings you a feeling of safety — metal, fire, rock, crystals — use your imagination to create a place that allows you to be with yourself.
Slowly allow yourself to hear any voices or beliefs arise to the surface. What are they saying? How do these thoughts feel in your body? Give yourself the privilege of space, time and deep care to listen and heal. Your body is calling you back home.